The Shadows Prove the Sunshine

Last night at Switch Brian spoke about finding God in the shadows of your life and it reminded me of some thoughts I've been mulling lately. Too often we say we believe in God's grace, yet live as if we need to fix everything before we can "really" experience God. We avoid reaching out to the One who can help us because we're afraid of His reaction to our dark side. Two years ago I had my third miscarriage. I can say without a doubt it was the absolute darkest time in my life. The darkness didn't come from the pain of tragedy, however. It came from a deep dark anger and offense towards God. I felt like everything I had believed about Him had been shattered. He had disappointed me. This disappointment surprised me, I had been through this twice before, with countless let downs in between, but for some reason this time was different. All of my frustration and pride forced to the surface like a rumbling volcano. I was lost in a sea of thoughts like "How could He do this to me?!" and "Why me?" and "Where are you God?". I felt as though the comfort and security and faith that I had in my heavenly Father had been shredded. I had been convinced He would never allow that kind of pain in my life, yet He had, AGAIN. I literally felt like I was being swallowed up by one gigantic shadow of hurt. During that time I didn't know what to pray, so everyday I began to simply say, "God, no matter what, don't let me fail this test. Don't let me let go of You. Even though I don't feel it, I know You're the answer." And with that simple prayer I began to reveal my shadows and be as raw and honest as I could with the only One who could see my whole heart. Even as I write this, I am overwhelmed by the intense intimacy I experienced with the creator of the universe during those messy talks. He revealed to me the serious flaws in my heart and the serious grace in His. He reminded me of His sovereignty and that He will do whatever it takes to remove the obstacles between me and His love. I am so thankful for that painful experience. All of the darkness was worth wading through. As I was drowning in my shadows, God came with His light and rescued me. He loved on me. The security I thought I had was replaced with a deep knowing that God is in control. I truly found God in the shadows.