Making a choice

Today I woke up and made a deliberate choice to be content and thankful.  It was definitely a choice, not a feeling.  The day has progressed, however, and the choice is beginning to shift my feelings from anxiety to resolute peace.  Our God is good and He knows the future.  There is no good reason to fret and fear.

Remember the little house?  Well, the deal for that house is now on life support and has a high possibility of dying over the weekend.  Thankfully, it's not our fault.  The buyer's of our current home have had a last minute glitch (aka stupid battle with their finance co.).  This puts the deal for current home on hold, which puts the deal on the little house in jeopardy.  It's out of our control. 

I have fallen in love with that little house.  I was looking forward to living near neighbors that had been there for 37 years.  I had visions of walking with Elli to the park or library on crisp fall mornings.  The decor was all ready to go in my head.  *sigh* Now that may all be lost.

This is the point where I choose to trust.  If I have learned nothing in the past 10 years I have learned that God is sovereign and has a special reason for everything.  He knows the details of the future.  We do not.  He has perfect timing.  We do not.  We wants the very best for us.  We rarely know what the very best is.

So, we wait.  I'm praying for a miracle, of course, but either way I know we will end up in the perfect house in the community God has called us to reach.  I choose to believe that.  I choose to be content and thankful.  Our God is good and He knows the future.


Just writing...

So here I am, trying my darnedest to push aside my perfectionist disease tendencies and just write. 
Our lives have been interesting the last three weeks.  We have been in the middle of finalizing the sale of our house and the buying of another.  I was hoping I would be writing to you from the soon-to-be cozy confines of our new home.  Due to delays on our buyer's end I am instead writing from my same old kitchen and forcing myself to not look past the screen into the chaos of cardboard in my living room.

I'm tired.  At first I thought it was because of the move and the emotional demands of managing moving, mothering and ministry.  Nope.  I'm tired in my soul.  My spirit is thirsty.  ME seems to be getting packed away into lost boxes.  I miss my Bible.  I miss my friends.  I feel missing.

Everything is changing and chaotic.  The reality of a 12 year chapter coming to an end is sneaking in.  Do I even know how to write new chapters anymore?  What is my life's thesis statement, again?  How do I wrangle these wandering thoughts?  Where is the foundational outline that was formed within the complexity of 8 painful years?  How did I allow the daily deluge to muffle the treasured story within?  How could I possibly write as a leader when I feel caught without a compass?

If I were to give myself the advice I'd give others I'd say  "You were made for this.  Fill your heart with truth, saturate your home with worship, read your Bible all you can.  Shut out the lies.  Apply grace."  I wish I listened to that person.  Things don't seem so simple today.

I don't write this for pity or advice.  I write this to be honest with myself.  I write to discover what I am keeping secret.  Don't worry.  I know my paths will be made straight.  I know my mind and heart will clear.  I know I will inhale the new life the Holy Spirit is whispering even now.  I know I will rest in the grip of grace.

I know will feel found again.