Just writing...

So here I am, trying my darnedest to push aside my perfectionist disease tendencies and just write. 
Our lives have been interesting the last three weeks.  We have been in the middle of finalizing the sale of our house and the buying of another.  I was hoping I would be writing to you from the soon-to-be cozy confines of our new home.  Due to delays on our buyer's end I am instead writing from my same old kitchen and forcing myself to not look past the screen into the chaos of cardboard in my living room.

I'm tired.  At first I thought it was because of the move and the emotional demands of managing moving, mothering and ministry.  Nope.  I'm tired in my soul.  My spirit is thirsty.  ME seems to be getting packed away into lost boxes.  I miss my Bible.  I miss my friends.  I feel missing.

Everything is changing and chaotic.  The reality of a 12 year chapter coming to an end is sneaking in.  Do I even know how to write new chapters anymore?  What is my life's thesis statement, again?  How do I wrangle these wandering thoughts?  Where is the foundational outline that was formed within the complexity of 8 painful years?  How did I allow the daily deluge to muffle the treasured story within?  How could I possibly write as a leader when I feel caught without a compass?

If I were to give myself the advice I'd give others I'd say  "You were made for this.  Fill your heart with truth, saturate your home with worship, read your Bible all you can.  Shut out the lies.  Apply grace."  I wish I listened to that person.  Things don't seem so simple today.

I don't write this for pity or advice.  I write this to be honest with myself.  I write to discover what I am keeping secret.  Don't worry.  I know my paths will be made straight.  I know my mind and heart will clear.  I know I will inhale the new life the Holy Spirit is whispering even now.  I know I will rest in the grip of grace.

I know will feel found again.


Samantha said...

Don't love the process of this, but love this... hope that makes sence. love you

Steph said...

Love you! Love your honesty!