To Her

It's been years since are friendship began to crumble to its demise.  I'm not sure when the chipping away first began.  I'm not sure who first decided walking away was easier then hanging on.  It doesn't matter.  We are here now; a few city miles and a million silences apart.

It's been years, yet I still think about you almost daily.  Sometimes it's a wafting thought that comes and goes.  Other times its a nagging, stabbing pain that I can't believe is still there.  You were such a big part of my life.  Now you're not.  Do you think this way? At all?

I see your precious babies.  Once we marveled over them together all fresh and new.  Now I see them tall and beautiful and they have no idea that we spent hours and hours together, keeping them up late and crazy. It felt like family, joined by friendship and faith.

I know your life has taken all kinds of twists and turns that we never talked about and I never saw coming. I know I failed you.  I know I stopped seeing.   I know where I left behind compassion and picked up judgement.  I know where I started staring inward instead of outward.  Few things grieve me more.  

If you were on the other end of the couch right now with a mug of coffee and creamer I would tell you I'm sorry.  My perspectives have changed so much.  My life has changed so much.  How I love has changed so much.

Today I read this blog post and all I could do was cry.  Tears flowed because with all my heart I thought you were this person. My person.  My forever friend.  

Perhaps it wasn't the same for you.  I may wonder that the most.  How else could this have happened?  Did you think we were too different?  My world too small and restrictive?  Did I just not hear you or see you fully? Did you think there would be no room in my heart for the truth? 

Regardless of your answers, on this end of things you were the best kind of friend.  Crazy and cracked in places, but full of something contagious and brave. I miss what you carried with you.   Its strange how I still feel like you are supposed to be the one around.  I don't know when that will leave.  Maybe never.  

You have walked through so much over the past few years.  New voices at your side.  New faces in your home. New milestones. A new life.  Often I wonder what it's like, what you are like.  It's strange not knowing.

There are days I have the audacity to hope that somehow, someday we could repair the chasm created by life moving on.  There are other days I tell myself to move on and just let you be a sweet decade of memories.  

I don't know if you'll ever read this.  If you do, you may find flaws or reasons for further distance.  My hope is that you will read it and only find love and gratitude.

I want your life to always be full of goodness, hope, joy and love.  I want you to know rest and peace.  You need to know you are missed and loved.

Although I never thought I'd see you go, I'm  thankful to have lived life with you for over 10 years.  You walked with me through the most painful decade of my life. Together we shared laughter, hope, pain, empathy and faith.  No one else could have spoken bravery into my scared heart the way you did.  All I can inadequately say is thank you. 

With so much love, thank you.