I should have known. When you ask for something like this, He always answers with a yes. Hearts are meant to be pliable, flexible under the weight of what life offers. They are not meant to be numb, hard or dull. So I asked, with trembling, I asked.
I know what it's like to be broken. With the whisper of a memory I can feel the shattered earth under my feet. I remember what is was like to have questions as your constant companions. I didn't know it then, but true beauty thrived in that life of hurt.
Things turned around, miracles happening daily as my heart healed. Somehow, along the way, lack of desperation led to lack of connection. Then I find myself wanting what I had, but dreading the possibility to having to endure the depths of difficulty.
Can I be close, be aware of God's richness without the pain? Do I have to be stripped down in order to feel again? For so long couldn't bring myself to find out.
Then, I simply couldn't bear the absence. Sure, we had talked and had moments, but nothing like when He and I were the only ones carrying the secrets of my ruined heart. So I asked; A heart that senses Emmanuel, responds in humility, and endures whatever it requires to be just Him and I again. I asked for a heart that would once again hear His secrets and would reveal my own in return.
It hasn't happened right away. I've been living bated breath, waiting for a shoe to drop, fearing rather than expecting. Now I feel broken, hungry and ready and I realize THIS is our language.
Desperation and uncertainty have been given such an ugly color of disdain. What if they were meant to be beautiful, rich with the patina of life fought for and life found? What if my awareness of my own fear and lack of understanding is all He needs to meet me?
Today I am undone. The truth slowly seeping through song, word and babies with blue eyes. He is here. I am here. We are we. Life should be no other way.